I have heard Dreamcatchers can take your nightmares away.

By the extension of that thought, the next logical step for me would be to begin a voyage to those far-off mystic lands, those lands of fulfilled hopes and promised elixir, where I can find my own Dreamcatcher. Because if the truth be told, I am terrified of sleeping. My inner darkness has provided an environment that not only allows demons to flourish, but also nurtures them. Having been a sound sleeper all my life, I was suddenly left bereft of that gift a few months back. Was it the night of a blaring ambulance siren on the deserted night roads? Was it the night of that storm at the door? Or was it a long time before all this, when the seeds of darkness were sown? The answers have suddenly become irrelevant. What matters is that, quite simply, I can no longer sleep peacefully. My mind is plagued by demons, real and imagined. Mostly, the former. Now do not expect any bollywood-like scenes here where some woman wakes up shrieking and tearing at her hair, all wide-eyed, when the strong, comforting arms of her partner envelope her and give her a sense of security and comfort. Because neither is this a movie nor is there any bed partner. And worse than all, the fear is real. Fear is a very strange phenomenon. And I use the word phenomenon rather than emotion because that is what it is. Anyhow, this is not the time to be getting into the dynamics of fear. Suffices to say that it’s a Phenomenon with a capital P.

I had started treating dreams as my personal safezone. I began escaping into them to recover/hide/seek…comfort. Now this last refuge of mine is also of no apparent use, because I am constantly tormented in dreamland too. Like I said, I don’t scream or throw things in my sleep or talk. I just Feel. In my mind’s eye, I suffer through every unspeakable horror ever conceived by man. My tormentors are nameless, but vague faces come and go. There are some recurrent ones, some new ones, but the root is always the same. My own memories or certain things around me can trigger off the most spectacularly demeaning set of visions in my head and even in my sleep, I can feel the burning stabs of what I’m dreaming. At one point of time, I was prescribed sedatives but somehow I couldn’t bring myself to be dependent on them. And I also know this rejection stems from my inherent abhorrence on dependence altogether. But really, I have to fight my own battles.

I wonder what it will take for the dreams to go far away. For the dreams to leave me in peace. I have not committed heinous crimes, I have not taken a life, I have not done anything to deserve such pain. Or have I? Nope. Leave me alone. I want to sleep. I NEED to sleep. Let me rest, all of ye. I want to be able to sleep in peace, untouched and untroubled. I want my bad dreams to go away. I don’t want to feel like a vulnerable 5-year old at night. I want the nightmares to go. I DON’T want to feel like a vulnerable 5-year old at night.

I have heard Dreamcatchers can take your nightmares away.

I want one.




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